You may not know it from observing me on a daily basis, I am non the less, obsessed with spirituality. If I could spend my entire day researching and practicing different forms of religion it would bring me great joy. Most of this, however, goes on in my head and no one ever sees or hears it. My dear partner brought this to my attention last night. If I want to teach our children the depth of spiritual searching this world has to offer, well then I better find some way of communicating my search of it.

Since my exploring outside the Christianity box (a story which I will come to at another time.) I have so far found a simple truth... that all religions are connected and share many of the same root values or ideas that have been interpreted differently through out time. Escentially all of these ideas about God are right which makes them all wrong.

Humans have created words and language to describe the things around them. By labeling something we create a false sense of security that we know what that particular thing is simply because we named it. However "seeing things like a child" means to not label all of these things around us. To see the world as mysteriously as it truly is. ""I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3.

Now is my time to flower. Time to bloom. Not in the ways of the worldly efforts as I once sought, but in the quiet unfolding ways of the nurturing mother. In the slow, concentrated, daily effort, with each conscious moment & movement unfolding each delicate perfect petal.

I am re-reading/absorbing Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. What an inspiring book! He opens with words on the beauty and teachings of the flower.

"An Excerpt from Chapter One
The Flowering of Human Consciousness

Earth, 114 million years ago, one morning just after sunrise: The first flower ever to appear on the planet opens up to receive the rays of the sun. Prior to this momentous event that heralds an evolutionary transformation in the life of plants, the planet had already been covered in vegetation for millions of years. The first flower probably did not survive for long, and flowers must have remained rare and isolated phenomena, since conditions were most likely not yet favorable for a widespread flowering to occur. One day, however, a critical threshold was reached, and suddenly there would have been an explosion of color and scent all over the planet—if a perceiving consciousness had been there to witness it.

Much later, those delicate and fragrant beings we call flowers would come to play an essential part in the evolution of consciousness of another species. Humans would increasingly be drawn to and fascinated by them. As the consciousness of human beings developed, flowers were most likely the first thing they came to value that had no utilitarian purpose for them, that is to say, was not linked in some way to survival. They provided inspiration to countless artists, poets, and mystics. Jesus tells us to contemplate the flowers and learn from them how to live. The Buddha is said to have given a “silent sermon” once during which he held up a flower and gazed at it. After a while, one of those present, a monk called Mahakasyapa, began to smile. He is said to have been the only one who had understood the sermon. According to legend, that smile (that is to say, realization) was handed down by twenty-eight successive masters and much later became the origin of Zen.

Seeing beauty in a flower could awaken humans, however briefly, to the beauty that is an essential part of their own innermost being, their true nature. The first recognition of beauty was one of the most significant events in the evolution of human consciousness. The feelings of joy and love are intrinsically connected to that recognition. Without our fully realizing it, flowers would become for us an expression in form of that which is most high, most sacred, and ultimately formless within ourselves. Flowers, more fleeting, more ethereal, and more delicate than the plants out of which they emerged, would become like messengers from another realm, like a bridge between the world of physical forms and the formless. They not only had a scent that was delicate and pleasing to humans, but also brought a fragrance from the realm of spirit. Using the word “enlightenment” in a wider sense than the conventionally accepted one, we could look upon flowers as the enlightenment of plants."

I sit here illuding sleep once again... since the birth of my son, my first child, moments of quiet time to myself have been few and far between. That is okay, I adore him. I do find that quiet time spent absolutely by myself with myself is of great importance to my sanity on the other hand. Even though tired, my body will not allow me sleep until I have spent time in the quiet stillness that only the rarer hours of the night can bring. I am not distracted by to do lists nor am I pulled outside into the sunshine to play in the garden. I am here. I am faced with myself.

Tonight I am reflecting on the unfolding of my life so far... the leaps and bounds I have made with my personal character building are exciting to see. Also, I notice the things that still remain (like my tendency to eat things I shouldn't during this time of sleepless night, and then have a 2nd of said thing.)

Tonight the moon is beginning to wane, as is my desire to work on house projects. We bought this home three years ago on foreclosure. Everything needed fixing/replacing/remodeling and so did our lives. We moved from Oregon to Indiana on a whim, an underlying feeling of dread for the economy in Oregon and a strong desire for adventure. We are so blessed. It turned out better than expected in most areas. Again, like our lives, the house is about half way remodeled, maybe a little more than that. I have to wonder, will we ever be done? Our dreams are so big yet our budget we keep so small... Sometimes I think that is what these sleepless nights are all about...

So, I reached the latest ultimate goal. Motherhood. It is more than I expected on all levels. Especially, more joy and more work than I ever imagined. Yet there are so many more goals. I have to wonder, will we ever be done? Yet, who wants to be done? Finished? All desires met, all tasks complete.

So, my mind keeps me up dreaming new dreams, setting new goals and remembering the joy of working towards something of great importance, to myself. And, it is okay if what is important to me changes.

Letting go, the theme of the past 4 or 5 months for me... now life sends me the challenge of letting go in a bigger way... River spoke to me of this:

I was breathing in the nature park on yesterday's wet and dewy morning. My four legged dog friend, Buddy, had just finished at the vet and we felt this would be a good way for both of us to unwind and let go. I had been down this particular path about a month prior and was drawn to it again.

As we made our way towards the river I noticed it was particularly loud this morning. Coming closer I found the water was high, muddy & moving quickly. On this last visit there was a large tree lodged against the embankment that I climbed over and viewed many tadpoles coming into their own among the safety of the stagnant branches. The tree was huge and appeared immovable.

It was gone this visit. Completely washed away down the river...

It was then that River spoke to me of letting go. Continually pushing through the small pebbles, the large rocks, the massive trees, all forms of debris never getting anything stuck forever in one place. Slowly carving out canyons and new pathways river changes the world patiently on this journey of continued letting go. It is the stagnant water that is unclean. In it's unmoving nature it harbors danger of disease growing in the unmoving depths but the flowing moving river is clean, safe and naturally renewed daily.

You never see the same river twice. River does not hold still in one place to analyze, to judge, to wallow. River takes joy in the adventure of letting go, moving on, cleaning house and allowing new energy to flow.

Thank you River for your bubbly words!
Today I imagine myself a river. A constant flow of energy. Cleaning and Letting Go with each step.

When the universe sends you wholeness, prepare to listen...

I think my own loving thoughts.

I allow wholeness into our lives.

May it come in and fill each space.